Saturday, March 26, 2011


Rolling in some self-pity here. And I need to get my ass up out of it and do something about it. Yeah - I got some nice comments about me not needing spanx and being able to wear leggings and whatnot. But here's the thing: I am skinny fat. And I seriously do not feel good about myself right now and need to stop feeling bad and start feeling good. I came across these photos last week while looking for a specific photo:

 San Antonio '05

Austin '05
 {i look kinda weird b/c i am leaning back}

Austin '07
Those capris don't fit right now. Sigh.
That was fall 2005, people. 2005. That was 2 years after having TWINS and 3.5 years after having my first baby.  I thought that perhaps I was blessed with good genes. I was on the move all the time, but not exercising excessively and just eating normally.  And crap, when I started running, I had to eat more because I was losing too much weight.

And now? I wallow in self pity. Because now I am skinny fat.  I would not expose my tummy. My tummy dun-lop over my jeans without those spanx (is that called muffin top?)  No abs. Sigh.

What happened? I got sick last winter/spring. Bronchitis. Then pneumonia. Then epstein-barr.  I stopped working out with that string of illness. And then I don't know. I just don't know.  Did the Lexapro make me gain? Was the Wellbutrin helping keeping it off? What I do know is that I know I have to be healthy and do something about it. Because if I allow myself to wallow in pity, I will do something stupid and fall back into former bad habits. Because if you've ever had a bad habit, you know that bad habits die hard.

For over 10 years I had an eating disorder. And the diaticians, the psycologists...they all told me what I needed to hear. That I would slowly kill myself if I didn't knock it off. But did that stop me? Nope. Because it took me, making up my mind, that enough was enough and I would do it.

And you know what? Those desires to just fall back into those habits. To have control over that part of my life again? Its so easy just to do it. But I won't. I won't take the easy way out.  I am getting my ass up and am going to get that body back, hot damn!


Stacey said...

I don't really know "the right thing" to say, but I'm sorry that you're not feeling good about yourself. I go through times like that, but I know it's probably so much more complicated for you having gone down the paths you have in the past. I would think that being able to recognize "your demons" is a big part of the battle.

You have a huge support system of people who love you. Use us if you need us.

Sheila said...

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. All those illnesses and, well, time, really wreaks havocs on our bodies.

I'm glad you've made the decision not to fall back into old habits, and I hope that you can make some peace with your body, even if it doesn't end up looking exactly what you want it to look like.